Monday, January 30, 2012

The "stripper boot" saga

I have giant calves. This is not a new issue--I'm fairly certain i've complained about it before. i really wish i had tall boots without a super high heel. they are so practical for winter and versatile. i often get boot envy when i see women in the halls in their cute tall boots while i am stuck in the world of bootlessness. i am on a mission to find boots.
McCalls 5591
Pic from last year--frighteningly large calves not exaggerated for effect

Jenny from Burdastyle
i have a pair of black boots purchased from DSW for about $50 that have worked serviceably for years. they aren't perfect--i would prefer them to be taller but beggars can't be choosers. they were literally the only boots i could find that i could zip up past my calves. so i bought them.

and now i can't even zip those. (that was a sad sad day) thanks to regular bouts of exercise somehow my ginormous calves have reached even larger proportions. so it was time to buy new boots. i buy most of my shoes from Zappos. one consequence of not owning a car is that i depend upon Spicy to take me places i need to go and shoe shopping is not one of those things that will make either of us happy. especially since i would probably need to try on every pair of boots in multiple stores.

first, i bought these: ROS HOMMERSON SONEL - REGULAR SHAFT. thanks to zappos free overnight shipping i got them on Friday. and i couldn't zip them even halfway up my calf. the zipper reached the part where my muscle started to curve and then went, "you've got to be kidding me, right?" it was depressing. i whined to Spicy and he told me that they don't fit because I am a freak (i wasn't insulted--it's the truth). then he advised me to get custom-made "stripper boots." that was less than helpful--look at the lack of heel on those boots! boys. you want stripper boots? i will show you stripper boots.

anyway, this is how i realized that zappos reviews can be less than reliable. there seems to be as much variety in leg size as there is in women's sizing generally. many of the reviews claimed that the boots fit even over "athletic calves." i don't know who you are, Athletic Calf Ladies, but let me introduce you to some real leg guns. there were also complaints of ankle pooling with wide calf boots unless you have cankles. i have no idea if i have cankles--i'm guessing that i do not, so i am worried about the fit of wide calf boots. i do have small feet, which makes the problem worse since i imagine that larger shoe sizes probably have larger boot shafts. btw, the boots seemed comfortable and nice quality other than the leg issue.

so the first pair got sent back. undeterred, i decided that ordering one pair at a time and returning them was less efficient than just buying a shit-ton all at once and hoping at least one of them will stick. so i went for ROS HOMMERSON WORLD - WIDE SHAFT, ROS HOMMERSON SONG - WIDE SHAFT, and FITZWELL MENTION WIDE CALF BOOT. i should have them by tomorrow. additional condolences needed: TBD.

it's a bit painful to realize that i've spent about $600 on boots so far but i have to remind myself that i will only be keeping one or possibly 2 pairs if the brown ones fit. the really painful part will be if none of them fit. i might have to throw in the towel at that point. or seriously look into "custom-made stripper boots."

btw, in crafty news i did a lot of sewing over the weekend and i have some clothes to show off. my new outfits would sure look good with a nifty pair of boots. maybe the shoe gods will be smiling on me and i can get some decent photos this week.


  1. Lugar4tresgatos1/30/2012 02:47:00 PM

    God your blog is so funny! I suspect there are a lot of us who can't zip our boots past our calves. I am (when not pregnant or nursing) very curvy with a tiny waist and big butt/hips. Finding pants can be a challenge as well. Good luck!

  2. You are hilarious. Hilarious! I hope your stripper boot saga is solved soon. I do tend to read between the lines on the zappos reviews. At least their customer service is good, though. And I love that you can return shoes without much of a problem.

  3. lol!  custom made stripper boots, love it.  i really hope they all work for you and you decide to keep them all!  you deserve it with the issues you have had with getting boots that fit!  $600 is less than you would have spent if you had been able to find boots that fit this whole time... i can't wait to see what you made over the weekend! 

  4. Don't know how you feel about them, but I recently fell in love with the Frye Veronica Slouch wide calf. I feel your pain on finding wide calf boots!

  5. Bryanna O'Mara1/30/2012 07:39:00 PM

    OMG I feel your pain!! I just ordered a pair ofEtienne Aigner Chastity wide Caf boots that came in today.  All the reviews made them seem like they would fit and be amazing, but they wont zip the last 3 inches.  I was so mad I had tears in my eyes. And now I have to send them back.  It's so frustrating and just makes you feel awful.  I hope at least one of those pairs of boots work for you!  And when they do let me know which ones did!  Maybe they will work for me too! 

  6. I am also a big calf girl .  Boot shopping is sad.  I've heard that you can take them to a cobbler and get them stretched to fit.  As our cobbler in town just shut his doors, I can't tell you if that works or not. :(

  7. I had to give up my stripper boots too b/c I couldn't get them zipped anymore.  I blame my elevator phobia.  W/out that I probably wouldn't have to take the stairs and if I didn't take the stairs, my calves would be boot-sized.
    Hope one of those options works for you!!!

  8. I feel you.  I have had the best luck with measuring my calf circumference and going from there.  Zappos and other online shoe sites now have a feature where you can search by calf circumference.  I got to the point a couple of years ago where if I found boots that fit my calves, I'd just buy them!  Have you heard of DUO? They make boots with custom calf measurements.  They're expensive, but I have heard good things (and if the leather is good and the sole is solid, you should be able to get years of wear out of them).



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